The statistics of divorces are scary, nevertheless, the amount of young couples who believe it will not threaten them does not decrease. Yet, eventually, almost within every family, there is a crisis when it seems that everything will get wasted. Rev. Rostyslav Pendyuk, the Head of the Patriarchal Commission in Youth Affairs of the UGCC, and his wife, Tetyana Novolodska have been living as a married couple for a good amount of years, educating children, and they sincerely share their family’s life experience to youth. At the seminar in He. She. Love. Problems? (organized by the Lviv Youth Public Organization of the Ukrainian Youth to Christ), they told about the difficulties and the “underflows” that can wait for every young family.
“There is an Arabic proverb that says, namely, ‘family is a fortress in the state of siege because those who are outside want to enter it, yet, those who are inside want to exit it,’” says Rev. Rostyslav smiling. “According to my experience, almost all those who are outside of the fortress, but who approach it, are sure that there are blossoming gardens, butterflies, singing birds and the weather is never gloomy inside. And, this is the normal perception of people in love! Young people are sure that everything that they need for happiness is found in marrying that particular person. If you met the ‘right’ person, you need only to enjoy life because the next 60-70 years will be enormously happy, pleasing, and both of you will suddenly die on one day. The reality is that, in fact, nobody has such an experience.”
“We are getting ready for any assignment in our life. Yet, there are two things we, in fact, are not getting ready for, those are marriage (‘everything will happen by itself there’) and parenthood (‘somehow, we will bring our children up’.) These are the most important and two the most complicated missions in our lives and, nevertheless, often, we are not ready for them at all!”
Still, why are families getting destroyed? Rev. Rostyslav and his wife, Tetyana, name but a few important issues due to which the problems can arise.
Getting away from God and the world of lofty ideals and values. “Contemporary family lives are for the sake of material values, which are important,” says Rev. Rostyslav, “yet, which are not worth living for! We cannot live for sake of buying a new car or building a house for ourselves. Those are important things, to have a new car, to build a beautiful house, to have a career. Nevertheless, it is not worth living for.”
Egoism that does not allow us to love. Often, we hear and read that there is a difference between lovesickness and love. “I like the way His Beatitude Lyubomyr (Huzar) describes love, namely, this is when you wish good for a person you love and realize this good,” says Rev. Rostyslav, “We cannot talk about love only as an emotion because what happens to the emotions? They come and go regardless of whether we want that or not.”
“Lovesickness is great, nevertheless, this is an emotion which passes away. This emotion has to serve as a basis for a real love as wishing true good for another person”
To be frank, there is the other side of the coin. Sometimes, in taking care of the other, we risk absolutely neglecting ourselves. “We have to understand that the good for the other person can contradict our own good in a certain way, sometimes. Some of the most radical Christians have a tendency to believe that to love means to sacrifice. No doubt, sacrifice is a part of love, but it is not the only part! All of us have to get pleasure and joy. Love gives a lot of joy, a lot of positive and bright emotions.”
“If I give my hour as a sacrifice, everyone at home will run away from me in an hour because my emotions will be through the roof and everyone will be unhappy because of me,” says Tetyana Novolodska, “It is about the normal needs, sometimes. Somebody is simply tired and could not have enough rest because there had been a necessity to do something. We have to understand the needs of each other.”
The difference between a husband and a wife. This is, probably, one of the most widespread reasons, because of which there are misunderstandings within a family. Regardless of the amount of love we treat our significant other with, every one of us has their background, the families they have come from, our life experience, their own tastes, and their qualities as a personality. “We will always face the reality that this other person is simply different. We have different opinions, we like different music… Since we are different and perceive different conditions in a different way, of course, that causes misunderstandings and, sometimes, arguments! Here, we have to remember the words of the Apostle Paul, ‘In your anger do not sin. Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry.’ Misunderstandings are a normal thing! What is not normal is continuous offenses, anger, and a wish of taking revenge within the heart. The spouses that love each other must not have those.”
Our sexuality. “Sex has been made the purpose in itself. Very often, sex is the reason why people get married. Many people unconsciously believe that marriage is a way to have enough sex. Nevertheless, before getting married, we do not have to check whether we will suit each other as sexual partners. We have to check whether we will suit each other as personalities, whether we will be able to love each other. My point is not to say that sex is not important. Moreover, our sexuality is a plan of God. Some pious Christians believe that God has created everything good and failed only in that particular issue. Nevertheless, no one is created impure or bad, yet everything in us has to serve a certain mission. Our sexuality is a great gift of God that is the crown of a relationship. We approach each other, slowly learning to be closer and come to this crown. We have to learn to respect each other regarding this aspect rather than checking whether the person satisfies my needs.”
“Our sexuality is a great gift of God that is a crown of relationships. We approach each other, slowly learning to be closer and come to this crown. We have to learn to respect each other in this aspect rather than checking whether the person satisfies my needs”
The inability to appreciate the efforts of each other. “I can assume,” says Rev. Rostyslav, “that the majority of people have two things in purpose, a) a desire to achieve something great in order to be on the front pages of the newspapers and Internet resources; and b) fear to make a huge mistake. Yet, the reality is that the majority of us will have lived life not having achieved any of those. Our life is composed of daily routine, and we have to learn to appreciate that routine. We say, ‘My life is not interesting, there is nothing special about it…’ Nevertheless, it depends on you, my friend. If you treat your job and your relationships with your family and friends as if all of this is day-to-dayness to you, it is YOUR point of view! The daily routine can be different. The things we do every day have to be important to us equally as what our wife or husband does has to be important. Each of us contributes something to that daily routine, and, if that is important to nobody, we will feel disappointed, discontent, unhappy.”
Relationships with parents and children. “Once you have married, your wife or husband will have become the most important person to you, once and for ever. Until you die. No exclusions,” says Rev. Rostyslav, “What does that mean in practice? If, God forbid, there is a conflict where there is my parents, with their position, and my wife, with her position, and, if the position of my wife is not a crime, I have to support her. I must not run to my parents and complain to them. Neither must the children become the most important. Actually, what the children need is the healthy atmosphere within the family when the father loves the mother and vice versa. If there is such a situation, know that you bring your children up in the right way. Yet, even if the father and mother love their children, nevertheless, if the parents do not love each other, believe me, you educate the manipulators.”
“Children need a healthy atmosphere within the family when the father loves the mother and vice versa. If there is such a situation, know that you bring your children up in the right way”
“Parenthood has to be responsible. It is not an issue of the amount. When we invite a child to come into the world, to come into our family, we have to clearly realize what it means. Namely, we are taking responsibility for that child, materially, emotionally, and spiritually. On the other side, when I am talking to young parents who are 25-30 years old asking, ‘How many children do you have?’ – ‘One.’ – Wouldn’t you like to have more?’ – ‘No, we do not need more; we will not manage to provide an university education to more children.’ They enter the university, being 17-18 years old. Are you telling me what will happen in 20 years? Of course, you cannot be sure in that. You cannot be sure in anything even if you have a billion dollars in your bank account.’
No communication skills. “To communicate does not mean to simply talk,” says Rev. Rostyslav, “To communicate is to express your comments and to be able to hear each other. Very often, when there are difficulties and misunderstandings, people keep that to themselves, collecting that story… What happens when we are talking while being angry? We are saying nonsense. We are saying such things which we have never meant! Do not collect negative. Share with each other, be honest and sincere in saying, ‘I feel,’ ‘it seems to me,’ ‘it would be interesting to me if…’ Communication skills are one of the most important conditions that make our marriage happy.”
“The family is created to help the person to be brought back to Heaven. There is no sense in marrying for the sake of marriage. If that family brings you down rather than bringing you up to God, then what to marry for?”
The last, but not the least, is the advice both for those who are going to marry and for those who have not met their second half yet. “The purpose God has created us for is to be happy, and marriage is a very good way to become happy,” says Rev. Rostyslav, “The family is created to help the person to be brought back to Heaven. There is no sense in marrying for the sake of marriage. If that family brings you down rather than bringing you up to God, then what to marry for? There is no such vocation of loneliness. Yet, we can realize our non-loneliness in numerous ways. Mother Theresa was not married. Nevertheless, she had a huge family. Neither did John Paul II have children, yet he has become a father for millions of people. Marriage is a very important decision and it has to be taken with responsibility.”
Noted by: Katya Sudyn
Photo: Pavlo Buchko, facebook
